Mukesh and his House!

Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor, takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor, has breakfast on the 19th floor, dresses up for office on 14th floor, collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor, wishes Bye to Nitabhabhi on 16th floor, says 'See You' to his children on 13th floor, and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 Crore Mercedes to office, but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs. But on which floor? 15th, 17th,19th,14th,21st,16th or 13th ?

He phones all his servants, cooks, maids, secretaries, pool attendants, gym trainers, etc. on all the floors. There is a hectic search and lot of running about on all the floors, but thekey is not traceable. Fed up, after half an hour, Mukeshbhai leaves in a chauffeur driven ordinary Ikon car.

At 3.30 P.M. late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back, a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukeshbhai's pants and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor, with car keys in the pant pocket. They had blown away somewhere in the high winds at 16th floor level and was never found. This was found out because of Nitabhabhi's habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally.

Meanwhile, after 3 days of the incident, Nita bhabhi with all irritation writ large on her face, complained to Mukesh bhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 am last night.

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Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!"

"I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had affiar with his boss's 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

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Police v/s Military

Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police, there is much heartburning in police circles.

A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer, got talking to a jawan, "Bhai, I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave. Meanwhile, your wives go on bearing children. Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you?"

The jawan replied cooly, "I do not think this is a common occurrence. But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children, as you call them, into the police."

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Secret of a Happy Marriage Life!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

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Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

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Wife`s Photograph

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

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Drunk Driver

Leaving the pub after drinking heavily, this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out.

Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing turning your lights off? It’s pitch black,” shouted the drunk driver.

“What the hell do you expect me to do?” came the answer. “I’m in my own garage.”

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Hidden Talent

The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting.

He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard.

Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N. Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I ordered."

As the second bottle was poured, the oenophile tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985 all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"

An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and staggered over to the couple's table.

He said, "Wow, that's an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's in this glass?"

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Theory of Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you.

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Attention All!

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL," and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."

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Seven Impossible Things to say when Drunk

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. I'm not interested in fighting you.

5. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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20 Year Old Scotch!

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference.

The guy downs the Scotch and says, "This Scotch is only ten years ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.

The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty -year old Scotch... I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.

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Things that are difficult to say when drunk

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

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Overloaded with work?

If you feel overloaded with Work...

Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:

1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)

2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)

3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)

This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)

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I'm Jesus Christ

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."

The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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Technically Correct

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

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Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

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Email Heights

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.

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Types of Girls

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

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WhatsApp Fever

Boy: Hello Babe.... (11:45pm)
Girl: (last seen at 11:46pm)

Boy: Hey please answer me :) ( 11:50pm)
Girl: (last seen at 11:52pm)

Boy: But why do you treat me like that? Why don't you answer me? (12:00am)
Girl: (last seen at 12:00am)

Boy: Ok good night dear, I just wanted to tell you that today I have received my salary worth Rs.50,000 and I have reserved 20k for your shopping... but I think...

Girl (typing): Ohh! Hi dear... Actually mum was there that's why I couldn't reply... N wow darling that's a great news... I love you a lot... N when shall we go ?(12:05am)
Boy: (last seen 12:06am)

Girl: Baby please answer me na... dear I was off last time, let me know na when shall we go?(12:08am)
Boy: (last seen 12:09am)

Girl: I think your luking very tired because off work load... So now you go to bed and sleep well honey, take care. (12:10am)
Boy: (last seen 12:12am)

Girl: Sorry to disturb you but I think I forgot to tell you that tomorrow mom and dad are not at home in the evening, so you can come to my place after the shopping. Love you janu. Good Night. (12:20am)

Boy (typing): Ohh I was preparing for sleep, surely we will meet... c ya tomorrow... mmuuahhh..........!!!

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